Women are Crazy: Part 1

The Following post was fun to write, so please read it in the same spirit of fun.

I am a woman, and what I am about to admit to you, is a hard truth, BUT it is the truth. That is the first step to recovery from this *ahem* madness.

I Am Crazy.

I don’t mean in a clinically diagnosed, I- can –take- medication- to- smooth- things- out- crazy. I mean crazy because of the simple fact that I have feminine hormones. You know, the ones ladies. They make us moody, cranky, hyper, horny, not horny, indecisive, decisive, sad, happy, and all of that in the space of a single day.

All women are crazy. We just don’t like to admit it, as if this will somehow give the men the upper hand. Which it won’t, because we have things that they want and can only get from us. (Use your imagination, I ain’t going to spell that one out.)

This is not something we can change, we are born with the crazy gene attached to the hormone estrogen. Do I have scientific fact of this? No. I have, however seen this play out far too many times in real life, not to acknowledge that ALL WOMEN ARE CRAZY. It doesn’t matter their age, or culture. Me included. Don’t try to deny it, don’t get your panties in a twist and leave a nasty note, all that does is confirm what it is I’m writing here.

You, yes, you my friend, are as nutty as I am. The worst part? Often, even WE don’t know why we do the crazy things we do.

A quick breakdown of the numbers that I have calculated inside my head. 95% of women are crazy, they are openly bonkers, saying and doing things that not only make you shake your head, but leave you wondering how they make it through life from day to day. The other 5% (I put myself in this category) are ALSO crazy. But we have learned to hide it from the general populace. My poor husband, though, he gets to see the “dark” side of me, and often comments on how I’m going to be a weird old lady with a hundred cats one day. Yes, true love it is.

But below I’ve put together (Okay, actually stolen a great deal from AA) 12 steps that can help you go from the 95% into the 5%. Of course, if you are reading this, nodding and laughing, you are probably already in the 5%. Or so far gone, we can’t save you.

1.     We admit we are powerless over the crazy gene—that our lives have become unmanageable because of it.(My husband is rolling on the floor with this one)

2.     We have come to believe that SOMETHING could restore us to sanity. I have yet to find out what this is, but surely SOMEONE will figure it out.(Maybe chocolate? I’m thinking that wine will only add to the crazy.)

3.     Make a decision to use our Craziness, ONLY for good, and not for evil. Hard, but doable. Think about the words that are coming out of your mouth before they leave your lips. A good filtration system is the first step to appearing sane.

4.     Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. But not TOO deep as we may just find more crazy below the first layer. Which would be bad. Really bad. Especially if we let it out.

5.     Admit to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our craziness. Being crazy, I believe it will be more of a matter of limiting that number to only one other person. You know what I’m talking about, the whole world doesn’t need to know you convinced your husband/spouse to shave his body hair into patterns.

6.     We’re ready to acknowledge our craziness completely, recognizing that it will always be a part of us, and IN FACT, get progressively worse with age and hormone fluctuations if we do not now, try to keep it in check.

7.     We ask that those around us accept our craziness, recognizing that it is indeed a part of us, and help to keep us from going totally off the rails.

8.     Make a list of all persons we have exposed to our craziness to in one form or another and try to explain it away. Actually, don’t do this, it will only add to their perception that you are bonkers when you try to explain the logic behind giving your cat a hair cut like a poodle and dying it’s fur pink. Not to mention, the dress you put it in.

9.     We will make direct amends to such people whenever possible. Ah, this is where the wine and chocolate comes in.

10.    Continue to take personal inventory, and when we are being crazy, promptly admit it. Again, only to one person. If you grab every person on the street and shout “I’m being Crazy!” that kind of defeats the purpose.

11.   Recognize that it is only through serious control that we, as women, can begin to change the perception of those around us. You know, make them believe we aren’t crazy, when indeed we are just hiding it well. (We all want to be in the 5%)

12.  Have had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to all women, so that the craziness shall diminish in the world. And men will shut the hell up about how damn nutty we are. =)

If you'd like to admit your craziness to the world in the comments section, please feel free to do so.

Check in later this week to read about my post on the benefits to the Madness that is Woman.

BookPushalooza!!

Welcome to the FIRST EVER BookPushalooza!

July 26^th ONLY

9 Books, only .99.

With each purchase you get the chance to WIN while Helping Authors reach new heights in Amazon’s ranks.

It’s so easy a CAVEMAN could do it!

Follow the Instructions on the Rafflecopter Widget and for each book you purchase (or Borrow through Amazon Prime for Free) you get an entry in to WIN ---

(1) Grand Prize- $100 Amazon Gift Card

(2) Runners up of $25 Amazon Gift Cards

That’s not all! Purchase all NINE (9) books and get an additional 5 entries!

Don’t delay, this offer is good for JULY 26^th ONLY!

Overview of Dark Isle


When evil begets evil, a choice is forced on Quinn, the one person who can see the danger. Does she save the ones she loves, or does she save the world from Chaos?


As the realms of Fae and human collide, Quinn's future has never looked so grim, or so damn impossible.


Genre- Urban Fantasy

Overview of Enemy in Blue

 The streets aren't safe when your enemy wears a blue uniform and a gold badge.
What if the good guys weren't good?
What if a cop went rogue and killed an innocent man?

What if it was all caught on video and the cop would do anything to cover it up?
Chase this lawless cop through the streets and to a scintillating series of showdowns with Cruz Marquez, a young attorney trying to nail down his enemy in blue.

Will justice be served?
Genre- Thriller





Overview of Land of the Noonday Sun

When two strangers have nothing left but their dreams, they must forge a relationship in Nantahala, North Carolina, a small town known as Land of the Noonday Sun.


A man with a traumatic past is able to turn his life around and is happy with his chosen career as a whitewater guide. Everything changes though when fate hurls a woman into his path. His carefree life is in turmoil, and his former weaknesses threaten to overtake him. Will he be strong enough when tragedy strikes and is once again in danger of losing everything he loves?

Genre- Contemporary Romance




Overview of This Time Forever

Delaney Brannigan and Blake Morrisson met at the Cedar Cove annual costume dance, known only to each other as the leopard and the cowboy--but, as Delaney soon discovers, the cowboy she'd thought had ridden off into the sunset never to tempt her again, is none other than the man she came from New York to find and discredit. Against her will, Delaney is drawn deeper and deeper into an overwhelming attraction to Blake--an attraction she can't give in to if she wants to keep the one thing she values more than anything else.

Genre- Contemporary Romance

Overview of Cassidy Jones and the Secret Formula


Fourteen-year-old Cassidy Jones wakes up the morning after a minor accident in the laboratory of a world-renowned geneticist to discover that her body has undergone some bizarre physical changes. Her senses, strength, and speed have been radically enhanced.

Lives are put at risk when they find themselves embroiled in a dangerous, action-packed adventure. Soon they are forced to confront a maniacal villain willing to do anything - including murder - to reach his own ambitious goals.

Genre- YA/MG Superhero

Overview of Gray Justice

Gray Justice is the fast-paced debut thriller from Alan McDermott. When a killer walks free from court, the victim's father sees just two options: accept the judge's decision; or take on the entire British justice system. Tom Gray chooses the latter and his crusade attracts instant worldwide media coverage. It was just what Tom was hoping for, but it brought him a lot more than he bargained for.

Gray Justice is much more than a simple tale of revenge: it's a rollercoaster ride with an ending you'll never forget!

Genre- Thriller

Overview of Gone at Zero Hundred 00:00

"Their lives are in the hands of two 18-year-olds..."
A Prominent P.I. is gunned down - killed by a sniper - and it’s broadcasted on live TV.
Now, her daughter, along with her childhood pal, are thrust into a complex and riveting thriller forced to take on a secret club whose members call themselves The Privileged Ones.
Murder. Teen abductions and illegal underground parties.
They’re chased by men in ski-masks, nearly gunned down by members of a cartel, and the only way to bring down this criminal enterprise; is to crash a Mardi Gras bash and stop their private cruise ship from sailing off into the sunset.


 


Overview of Allegiance

Who do YOU pledge allegiance to?

After exposing one of the most notorious rings of police corruption in history, lawyer Cruz Marquez planned on starting a new life south of the border. That plan unraveled when an extremist group of Minutemen captured and tortured him and his wife.

Will Cruz pledge allegiance to do right, or will he do anything to serve up revenge?

Genre- Thriller



Overview of Curbchek Reload

Curbchek-Reload is a dark account of the streets as they were worked by Zach Fortier, a dangerously deranged cop. Welcome back to the inner city and the twisted mentality of Zach Fortier. Patrolling the streets, broken and mentally damaged from years of urban violence, Zach fights a losing battle to maintain a hold on reality. Join him in the passenger seat of a police cruiser for more of the darker and meaner side of life: The inner city. In Curbchek-Reload you get a front row seat to an attempted murder of a cop, suicide attempts, rapes, and DARK cop humor. Curbchek-Reload - Fasten your bullet proof vest and buckle your seatbelt, it is gonna be a wild ride!

Genre- Police Procedural 

http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/share-code/NDliZTEwYjNiZGIzMTZlZWM2ZTQ0ZjEwZGQ1M2UzOjE=/

All winners will be notified via email July 28th 2012. For a list of winners contact onedaybookpush@yahoo.ca

You Know your Big Time when you Get an ASSASSIN!

Imagine my surprise when upon checking my spam box, I found this little number waiting for me. After I picked myself up off the floor, my laughter having woken half the neighbourhood, I realized what it meant.

I've finally made it. I am big time. I'm the author everyone wants to be and so they've decided to "off" me. Not only have they decided to get rid of me, they've employed someone from CHINA! (Made in China takes on new meaning for me now)

*Snorts* Okay, now go have yourself a laugh, if nothing else than for the TERRIBLE writing. That alone should make your day! And if you get one of these yourself, you should know, that it is a scam . . . I say this because my mother, upon hearing about this was actually worried for a moment. :)

Hello my name is killer demon am from china i've no other job than to kill to survive...you have been betrayed by some one very very close to you.he payed me to kill you.i don't know what you did to him and i don't care to know..but the person wants you dead and right now your life is in my hands..you have just 78hours to live after that me and my men shall come for your life..my men are surrounding your house right now watching you and if you do anything stupid you shall re sieve a gun short from us.. but i can help you if you will pay me double of what he payed me.........and i can all so tell you who other d us to kill you..but that will be after you have payed to save your life..your life is in your hands now.

do not tell anybody or show anybody this mail cos your enemy is very close to you
as i'm sending this mail to you now.....remember do not tell anybody if you do the person who want you dead will know i told you...and that means trouble cos he will pay some one to kill you.....

you can contact me on this email( j************* )



KILLER DEMON. (Yes, this is how it was signed, Killer Demon. ROFL!)

Moonlight Gleam's Bookshelf

A Very, Very sweet blogger, Lucy D'Andrea at Moonlight Gleam's Bookshelf has gone and done a FABULOUS blog post for me. She gets me to talk a little about my reasons for writing, and other than the obvious FAME and BAGS OF MONEY, you might be surprised at some of the reasons behind my drive. So if you've got a minute, check it out and be sure to leave a comment!

 http://www.moonlightgleam.com/b/post-preview?token=rtnSqDgBAAA._lY9t4waKhzfABeK8GlVaw.qOlxPLP7l1WfeHJQNAbFig&postId=5101350582306495746&type=POST

A Vacationing Muse Sucks

*I originally wrote this as a guest post for Kriss Morton over at The Cabin Goddess when the poor gal was sicker than a dog's dinner. Thought I'd share it with you.*

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. “My muse is on vacation. I can’t write/draw/create while my muse isn’t with me.”

Simple answer to this. Stop starving you muse. No, really, it is that easy. If you don’t piss your muse off, it won’t leave.

I’m going to share with you a few tips to get the muse moving again, for any type of creative endeavour.

First of all, you have to FEED it and I don’t mean junk food. Let me explain. Your muse is like any other muscle in your body, and if you feed it crap, it’s going to give you poop. Seriously. So sitting on the couch, watching “Married with Children” re-runs is going to make your writing sound like Al and Peggy arguing over the fact that they have no money. Irritating.

So, step 1. Avoid brain food junk. For me this is primarily TV. I avoid it. There are a few channels (History, Biography ) that can actually feed your muse, but even so, in small doses please and thank you. It can also come in the forms of anything that will cause you to procrastinate, things that will tie up your brain power. Another one for me is gaming. *Sigh* I love gaming, but haven’t done much simply because it takes my muse in a direction that makes it weak and slothful. Everyone will have different things that will slow the muse down, you need to figure out yours.

Now, I’m sure you’re wondering what kind of things you can feed you muse, I mean, after all, this is Kriss’ blog and there’s always a recipe, right? Well, have no fear, there will be a recipe! But before we get there, let’s continue with building up your muse.

You might find your muse hiding on you because you overworked it (this is has been my case more than once) so the best thing is to first give it a rest. Literally. Do something different, out of your comfort zone that has NOTHING to do with your creativity. Need some examples?

*Go evil bunneh hunting ;p

*Try an extreme sport (this may only happen once)

*Skydiving

*Prep for the Iditarod

Okay, so maybe those are a bit much. Go for a walk, read a book by someone you admire, try a new, healthy recipe (like the one at the bottom of the post), engage with people on your social networks (to a small degree this can also be a distraction!), start a group that supports your type of creativity (Writers group, photography club, etc), go to a live play, or even try out some window shopping.

But what if you have a hard time getting started with your project, manuscript, or photo shoot right from the beginning? Well, just like training your physical muscles to run or lift weights, you can train your muse too.

Figure out what your muse likes. (For more on this see “Muse Food” by Amber Scott, a must have for any creative person)

What your muse wants might be a type of music, a particular chair to sit in when you work (I have a zebra striped bean bag chair that has become “THE CHAIR” for when I write), type of lighting (candles, overheads, lamps) and even certain smells. When you have certain things that always pertain to when you write/when your muse is going to work, they quickly become cues.

So even on a day that I don’t feel like writing, if I sit in my zebra bean bag chair, my muse turns on, I’ve cued it to go to work.

Now, that’s a quick course on the Muse. For more, you really should check out “Muse Food” by Amber Scott. It’s a must have for the library of any creatively minded person.

How about some brain food? A healthy source of just such a thing are avocados. Or in this case, in honour of Kriss who loves her bacon porn ------

BACON, SOURCREAM, AND AVOCADO OMLETTE

2 eggs
milk and/or mayonnaise
half of an avocado
sour cream
bacon, chopped
onions (optional)
salt and pepper
butter

cheese (optional)

In a separate bowl combine 2 eggs with mayonnaise and/or milk.

Meanwhile, cook bacon in separate skillet and cut into pieces.

In a large skillet, stir together butter and eggs, and cook over medium heat.

When the eggs are done, turn off the heat and add the bacon, sour cream, and avocado. Sprinkle on cheese. Mmm, melty cheese!

Fold over the egg carefully to finalize the omelette, let it cool and enjoy!

Super Secret Event: Bloggers only!

Calling all bloggers and writers who like to blog…Okay, so maybe not so secret, but it got your attention, right?

I, and seven other authors, are putting on a promo on July 26th, and we are hoping that some of you fantastic bloggers might be able to help out. We are doing a One Day Book Push. Best part of it for our bloggers? There will be randomly drawn prizes for bloggers who help us out. How about some Amazon Gift Cards!!!

If you are interested, or know of any other bloggers who might be, please contact onedaybookpush@yahoo.ca for the details.

Thanks so much and we look forward to working with you.

"Dark Isle" Celtic Legacy Book 2 Released EARLY!

Dark Isle was not supposed to be released until tomorrow, but due to some rumours swirling about that it COULD take up to 48 hours to get a new book live, I opted to start the process last night.

And guess what happened? Yup, an early release! So for those of you who have signed up for my newsletter and had a chance for a free copy, go check out your email because Dark Isle is waiting for you! Want a chance at free books for yourself, maybe even for the next book? Then sign up for the newsletter over there---->

As for the rest, I hope you take a moment to check out Dark Isle, it was a fun book to write, and I think (hope!) you're going to like it as much as I liked writing it.

When evil begets evil, a choice is forced on Quinn, the one person who can see the danger. Does she save the ones she loves, or does she save the world from Chaos?

As the realms of Fae and human collide, Quinn’s future has never looked so grim, or so damn impossible.

 

Click Here to Purchase!

 

WRITING TO SELL: How to Write Your Book’s Sales Page

As we discussed yesterday, a sales page is an important part of maximizing your ebook sales. Well, the process of putting words together in a way that will convince someone to buy is called copywriting, and there are three key copywriting lessons that are particularly important for authors.

1.     Benefits vs. Features: Any copywriting worth his or her salt will tell you it’s important to talking about the benefits of a product instead of the features that product happens to have. Chances are you didn’t buy the last book you read based on the number of pages, chapters or words it had in it.

How it applies to a book: The benefit of a book is best conveyed through an excerpt (much like Amazon’s “Peek Inside” feature) and through the book summary you include—these things allow potential readers to see for themselves that your book will satisfy their needs.

2.     Endorsements & Testimonials: Buying an unknown product (or a book from a new author) can be scary. You don’t know what you’ll get. And, sadly, many of the books out there that are self-published aren’t up to par—making readers wary. Endorsements and testimonials help convince shoppers that a product won’t be a waste of their time or money.

How it applies to a book: In the book world, endorsements and testimonials are better known as reviews. An endorsement would be a review by another author, someone with authority or someone a reader might already know; a testimonial is simply a review by another reader. Knowing others have read your book and were willing to say something good about it can help reassure readers they your book will be worth it.

3.     Branding: Once a shopper has limited their selection to a few similar products, in order to decide which product to buy he or she will often look at who is selling the product to them. Does the shopper want to buy from a particular company?

How it applies to a book: In the book world, the author is the brand. Why should something read a book written by you? Your author bio is an essential part of your sales page and should make a convincing argument for why you are qualified to write this book—whether it’s because you’re a fantasy lover, who began consuming the genre while still in grade school or because you’ve made Amazon’s top 10 list with each of your last three books, you should be able to find some reason that you were qualified to write that which you have written—you did write it, after all.

This is a guest post by Melissa Breau, for detailed how-to info on creating a strong book description, getting reviews (of both varieties) and writing an author bio, check out her FREE online tutorial: Maximizing your eBook Sales. Or, if you want help making it happen, sign up for her new eBook Sales Package (packages start at $150).

The One Mistake That Could Stop You From Selling More Books

*This is a guest post by Melissa Breau, an AMAZING editor I've had the pleasure to work with a number of times.*

You probably didn’t get into writing for the money. But once you’ve put all that hard work into writing a book, paid to have it edited and had a cover designed, you’d kind of like it to sell more than a few copies, right?

Well, there’s something most authors overlook when it comes to selling their books—and it’s something that can make a huge difference in the number of copies you sell.

 WRITING A GOOD BOOK WON’T GUARANTEE SALES

While writing you surround yourself with the world your characters live in, so it can come as a surprise when you’ve finished your masterpiece to learn the work is only half over.

A good book may gain you a reader’s loyalty, but before they know whether your book is any good they have to put out their money and buy it. You still have to market and sell it.

And all that is just to lead a potential reader to your sales page—it doesn’t guarantee a reader will click “buy.”

It’s the content that have on that sales page that will make up their mind on whether they should click away or click to add money to your bank account.

 The Secret to A Great Sales Page

The key to creating a great sales page is to think of this part of the process as a business—your readers aren’t just fans, they’re also customers.

Like any “customer,” readers are looking for the right “product” to satisfy a need. With a business book, perhaps they’re looking for tips on using Twitter; with a fantasy novel, they’re probably looking for an escape. If they’ve made it to your page, it’s likely they are looking for a book like yours.

But if you want them to part with their cash they need to be convinced you have what they need. So if you want to sell more books, you need to think about the your customer—what info does he or she need to decide if your book is for them?

Then make sure your sales page provides them with everything they need to know.

Not sure how to do that? Stay tuned for tomorrow’s post—a primer on what every self-publishing author should know about writing to sell.

This is a guest post written by Melissa Breau. She is a freelance writer, editor and a cheesy romantic who likes long walks on the beach and arguing about comma placement. Her FREE online tutorial on Maximizing your eBook Sales details how-to create a strong book description, get reviews and write an author bio. Or, if you want help making it happen, sign up for her new eBook Sales Package (packages start at $150).

How not to Impress an Agent- True Story

This happened some months ago (okay, years) and the humilation has worn off, so know I feel I can share this with you.

I t this a  Serious blog? Helpful? Dare I say insightful? No, not really. I thought I’d share with you the side of me that usually only those closest to me, or those I’m trying to impress get to see. Lucky you!

Many moons ago I attended the PNWA conference in Seattle. Determined to snag myself an agent and editor, I was full of confidence, charm and great clothes (thanks to a very fashionable friend). I knew that agents would be floating about the hotel and I poured over their pictures, memorizing their faces, favourite things and adjusting my pitch for each of them. The first one I ran in to, was a younger guy. Literally. I managed an “oops, sorry!” And continued on down the hallway, before I realized it was one of the agents I wanted to impress. In a last ditch effort, I yelled at him from thirty feet away. “Hey Joe!” He looks. I wave. “I’ll see you later!” I’m sure he thought I was making a move on him, but I didn’t care, just wanted to stand out of the crowd.

On a scale of 1-10, maybe a 7 on being memorable.

The next agent I was in the elevator with, again, oblivious that this is one of the agents I wanted for myself, one of the top agents from New York. So after I casually mention how short she is in an attempt to garner a laugh, I then go on to point out that she’s as short as my great grandmother, someone we as children affectionately called Yoda for her wrinkles, slight greenish tinge, height and British accent. This agent had all of those, except the accent wasn’t British but Kiwi. As in New Zealand. It wasn’t till I sat at my table that I had a flash of insight and recognized that the picture of this agent I’d been studying was from about 40 years ago when she wasn’t a salt and pepper haired old lady with glasses. Ah crap.

I think that may have scored me an 8, as the agent glared at me while I pitched her. I’m pretty sure it’ll be a long time before she forgets me.

The final encounter I’ll regale you with is where I broke down and offered to bribe an agent if she would just give me her card. She laughed. I didn’t. When I finally pitched to her, there was only the briefest of awkward silences where she sighed and said, “Send me your submission and put in the heading, Money Girl.” Done and done.

That one got me a 10 as I found out later she had been telling people about the gooney Money girl!

The only person I didn’t make a complete ass of myself in front of was the agent who signed me from the conference. In fact, I didn’t think she was even interested in my genre so I quit trying so hard and just had fun. She loved the ms and me. So the moral of the story is, desperation doesn’t work. Try to be memorable when pitching to agents and editors, but don’t  insult or injure them.

And use bribery only as a last resort.

*Side note, since then I've dropped my agent and continued on my publishing journey on my own, but for those of you hunting for an agent, I hope this blog gives you some do's and don'ts.