Monday, July 30, 2012

Women are Crazy: Part 1

The Following post was fun to write, so please read it in the same spirit of fun.

I am a woman, and what I am about to admit to you, is a hard truth, BUT it is the truth. That is the first step to recovery from this *ahem* madness.

I Am Crazy.

I don’t mean in a clinically diagnosed, I- can –take- medication- to- smooth- things- out- crazy. I mean crazy because of the simple fact that I have feminine hormones. You know, the ones ladies. They make us moody, cranky, hyper, horny, not horny, indecisive, decisive, sad, happy, and all of that in the space of a single day.

All women are crazy. We just don’t like to admit it, as if this will somehow give the men the upper hand. Which it won’t, because we have things that they want and can only get from us. (Use your imagination, I ain’t going to spell that one out.)

This is not something we can change, we are born with the crazy gene attached to the hormone estrogen. Do I have scientific fact of this? No. I have, however seen this play out far too many times in real life, not to acknowledge that ALL WOMEN ARE CRAZY. It doesn’t matter their age, or culture. Me included. Don’t try to deny it, don’t get your panties in a twist and leave a nasty note, all that does is confirm what it is I’m writing here.

You, yes, you my friend, are as nutty as I am. The worst part? Often, even WE don’t know why we do the crazy things we do.

A quick breakdown of the numbers that I have calculated inside my head. 95% of women are crazy, they are openly bonkers, saying and doing things that not only make you shake your head, but leave you wondering how they make it through life from day to day. The other 5% (I put myself in this category) are ALSO crazy. But we have learned to hide it from the general populace. My poor husband, though, he gets to see the “dark” side of me, and often comments on how I’m going to be a weird old lady with a hundred cats one day. Yes, true love it is.

But below I’ve put together (Okay, actually stolen a great deal from AA) 12 steps that can help you go from the 95% into the 5%. Of course, if you are reading this, nodding and laughing, you are probably already in the 5%. Or so far gone, we can’t save you.

1.     We admit we are powerless over the crazy gene—that our lives have become unmanageable because of it.(My husband is rolling on the floor with this one)

2.     We have come to believe that SOMETHING could restore us to sanity. I have yet to find out what this is, but surely SOMEONE will figure it out.(Maybe chocolate? I’m thinking that wine will only add to the crazy.)

3.     Make a decision to use our Craziness, ONLY for good, and not for evil. Hard, but doable. Think about the words that are coming out of your mouth before they leave your lips. A good filtration system is the first step to appearing sane.

4.     Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. But not TOO deep as we may just find more crazy below the first layer. Which would be bad. Really bad. Especially if we let it out.

5.     Admit to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our craziness. Being crazy, I believe it will be more of a matter of limiting that number to only one other person. You know what I’m talking about, the whole world doesn’t need to know you convinced your husband/spouse to shave his body hair into patterns.

6.     We’re ready to acknowledge our craziness completely, recognizing that it will always be a part of us, and IN FACT, get progressively worse with age and hormone fluctuations if we do not now, try to keep it in check.

7.     We ask that those around us accept our craziness, recognizing that it is indeed a part of us, and help to keep us from going totally off the rails.

8.     Make a list of all persons we have exposed to our craziness to in one form or another and try to explain it away. Actually, don’t do this, it will only add to their perception that you are bonkers when you try to explain the logic behind giving your cat a hair cut like a poodle and dying it’s fur pink. Not to mention, the dress you put it in.

9.     We will make direct amends to such people whenever possible. Ah, this is where the wine and chocolate comes in.

10.    Continue to take personal inventory, and when we are being crazy, promptly admit it. Again, only to one person. If you grab every person on the street and shout “I’m being Crazy!” that kind of defeats the purpose.

11.   Recognize that it is only through serious control that we, as women, can begin to change the perception of those around us. You know, make them believe we aren’t crazy, when indeed we are just hiding it well. (We all want to be in the 5%)

12.  Have had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to all women, so that the craziness shall diminish in the world. And men will shut the hell up about how damn nutty we are. =)

If you'd like to admit your craziness to the world in the comments section, please feel free to do so.
Check in later this week to read about my post on the benefits to the Madness that is Woman.


Lauralynn Elliott said...

I'm not sure I want to comment on your blog because you're, you know, crazy... LOL

Some of the craziness goes away when you reach menopause. Unfortunately, that opens up a whole new realm of crazy. :)

Shannon said...

New crazy? Oh crap! LOL.

I think it takes a fair amount of crazy to make things happen in life, (I'm good with that) to take chances and reach for the impossible, but that's more to the next blog post :0)