First off, I want to say that despite an overwhelming urge to prematurely send off a dozen queries, I held back. Phew! It was dang hard too. Two people I've met on Twitter, @natashaneagle and @darylsedore have been awesome in taking a look at my query letter and giving me some feedback and if you're on Twitter you should look them up.
Then I thought "What about my blog followers?" Most of you haven't read the book, maybe know a little about it because of my big mouth, but otherwise would be a fair group to get some feedback from. Fresh eyes and first impressions can tell you a lot about your query letter. So below is my actual query. Let your criticisms fly, don't worry, I can take 'em!
Dear Mr. Agent
I am looking for representation for my urban fantasy, The Chronicles of Sin: Gluttony. It is complete and professionally edited at 94,000 words. This is a standalone book, though it also has the potential for a longer series.
Toni is a morbidly obese woman whose major talents are eating copious amounts of food and giving phenomenal phone sex, the latter being a fact she’s damn proud of. The weight is another matter all together and out of her control. She’s Gluttony, one of the Seven Deadly Sins, dedicated to the pursuit of filling the world with the compulsion to indulge. Trapped in a vicious circle, she can neither free herself on her own, nor love the life she leads as a Gluttony.
Far from alone, Toni and the other six of the Seven Deadly Sins are bringing the world to its knees, overseen by Dantalion, a Grand Duke of Hell. The status quo is blown to hell when Toni falls in love with Rathburn, a.k.a Wrath, thanks in part to a flying nymph and his crossbow. Between a forbidden love and a little divine intervention from an archangel, Toni finds the strength to fight for the changes she wants in her life. Freedom from Gluttony and fitting into size 6 skinny jeans.
Furious with Toni for weakening his power base, Dantalion lashes out at her. In a bid to control Toni, he seizes Rathburn and drags him to hell, but not before driving a wedge between the two lovers. A wedge Toni can’t ignore, but must, in order to save Rathburn. Toni follows, not only to rescue him, but to find the key to their freedom hidden within hells depths. Tangling with a growing number of demons and monsters, Toni has to face the possibility that she may never be free of Gluttony or be able to have Rathburn, no matter how strong her desires are. And all this while still trying to fit in those jeans.
The Chronicles of Sin: Gluttony is a wild ride of a novel, full of quirky characters, romance and a world free of vampires.
Thank you for your time and consideration of this proposal, I look forward to hearing back from you.